walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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