I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
