remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
