this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
