I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
