i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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