Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
