hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
