i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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