did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
