your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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