All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize