He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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