Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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