Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
