the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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