First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
