He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
