Umm I'm too high to move.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
