just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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