I can text with my tongue
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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