I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
