I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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