It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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