I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
