Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize