I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
