I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
