So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm passing your future prison.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize