hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
youre lurking in front of me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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