i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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