Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
