Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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