When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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