Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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