Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
