You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
