He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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