Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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