can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
