I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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