I think im going to throw up on grandma
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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