Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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