guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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