just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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