I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize