I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
