textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
