i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
