I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
