when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
