Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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