Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
