$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
