I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
