hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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