Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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