The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
