All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
