I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
