she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
