matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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