He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
