I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
