why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
