dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
