Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
