apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My pussy is not your playground.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
