No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
